Transforming Trauma: Episode 196

Comparison is often cited as the thief of joy. For neurodivergent people, comparison is also a source of shame. Imagine receiving constant reminders that your brain doesn’t respond well to, or “fit” with, the dominant societal structure. The messaging can impact self-worth and inform masking behaviors that neurotypical family members, friends, and co-workers fail to understand.

One clinician invites care providers to move away from asking “what’s wrong with this client?” in favor of a more holistic line of questioning: “how does their client feel, what adaptations have they made to weather neurotypical norms, and what kind of support do they need now?”
On this episode of Transforming Trauma, host Emily Ruth is pleased to welcome Sabrena Ness, CMHC, LPC, clinical director at LifeStance Health and NARM® practitioner. Drawing on her personal and professional experiences, Sabrena shares insights from a neurodivergent perspective, namely, how the NeuroAffective Relational Model® cultivates a tempo ideal for exploring shame and other relational experiences that many neurodivergent people navigate alone.
Sabrena and Emily also explore the developmental trajectory of those on the spectrum, including the adoption of masking techniques––a camouflaging adaptation used to suppress one’s authentic nature––and dispel the unfair characterization that neurodivergent people cannot form genuine connections.

“I know that there were a lot of parts of me that took a lot longer to learn things,” says Sabrena, reflecting on her later-in-life ADHD diagnosis. Even with early academic support, she still carried significant shame into adulthood around learning challenges. “I work with a lot of kids that do not get that same support and even adults who never got that support,” she observes.

“I internalized pretty early that my brain worked differently, even though I didn’t have the language for that,” says Sabrena, who discovered that ADHD runs in her family. The realization helped her to eventually nurture her abilities rather than “correct” perceived learning deficiencies. It also led Sabrena to clinical research that identified developmental and relational patterns (not just diagnoses) that might be passed down both genetically and environmentally.

Sabrena’s personal history and fervent curiosity helped shape her professional therapeutic approach. Early in her career in community mental health, she noticed that standard behavioral methods often backfired with neurodivergent kids—activating them rather than helping, sometimes worsening behaviors. Sabrena grew frustrated with standard cognitive problem-solving models. “CBT, for example, is such a great model for many things. But just thinking about how our thoughts, beliefs, and behaviors are connected and expecting that if I can influence one of those things, all of them will be influenced can be really overwhelming for someone with ADHD or autism,” she explains.

NARM helps Sabrena’s neurodivergent clients shift their energy from changing behaviors to understanding what lies beneath the surface. “The core of it felt different,” she recalls. She highlights several key features that make NARM well-suited when working with this population:

• Curiosity over correction. Rather than teaching clients to communicate differently, NARM asks why they communicate as they do – what’s the function or even wisdom of the communication – thereby reducing shame instead of reinforcing it.
• Relaxed pacing. “NARM is really about exploration for the purpose of exploration,” Sabrena says. The modality encourages clients to slow down and stay with key moments instead of rushing toward resolution.
• Top-Down / Bottom-Up approach. “We’re not just working cognitively with our thoughts and behaviors,” says Sabrena. “We’re also paying attention to our body, our nervous system, the relational patterns that we are experiencing and also how I’m experiencing things right now in this moment.”

Sabrena returns to the topic of shame throughout our conversation, identifying its impact on familial neurodivergent pairings such as romantic partnerships or parent/caregiver and child relationships. Regardless of combination, Sabrena emphasizes that shame isn’t about neurodivergence itself. “It’s not about you needing all these things so that you can be more normal or more neurotypical. It’s so much more about what would support you and the life that you want to live.”

Transforming Trauma appreciates Sabrena’s continued support of neurodivergent clients and the communities that they belong to.

MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE

NARM® – The NeuroAffected Relational Model®