Transforming Trauma: Episode 160

To fall under the influence of a narcissist is to wonder: how did I get here? We often think of narcissism as an overt disorder characterized by amplified displays of arrogance, self-importance, and a lack of empathy. But narcissists have a canny ability to repackage those traits and sell them as charm, intelligence, or sensitivity. It’s this “playbook” of calculated behaviors that allows them to avoid detection and continue manipulating close relations or entire groups. One filmmaker has drawn from his own experience, those of other survivors, and even narcissists themselves to expose patterns of abuse and educate all of us.

On this episode of Transforming Trauma, CTTC Director and NARM® Senior Trainer Brad Kammer welcomes Mark Vicente, the award-winning writer, director, podcaster, and producer, to discuss the personal awakening that eventually prompted him to leave the NXIVM cult and create The Narcissist’s Playbook. This feature-length documentary explores “one of the most pervasive and often misunderstood mental pathologies of our culture.” 

On this episode of Transforming Trauma, CTTC Director and NARM® Senior Trainer Brad Kammer welcomes Mark Vicente, the award-winning writer, director, podcaster, and producer, to discuss the personal awakening that eventually prompted him to leave the NXIVM cult and contribute to the documentary series The Vow and create the feature-length documentary The Narcissist’s Playbook (currently in production). This feature-length documentary explores “one of the most pervasive and often misunderstood mental pathologies of our culture.” 

The pair also delve into the role that narcissism plays in the manipulative tactics that lead to cults and other high control groups, as well as reflected in leaders in Hollywood, government, and business. They explore common narcissistic traits and how toxic shame shapes narcissistic behavior. 

As Mark recalls the 12 years of calculated conditioning he experienced as a member of NXIVM, he says, “I don’t think that everything is a cult. I think it’s based on the pathology of the leader. People think that narcissists know they’re lying. I think that they live in a world like a little child who believes their story. They live in a level of delusion that I don’t know that all of them know.“ He shares about the intense pain he felt upon awakening to the leader’s deceitfulness and the impact on his loved ones and himself. “Fast forward to 2017 when I finally understand that this veneer of the organization––which is all about goodness and ethics and morality––what’s happening underneath is evil,” says Mark.

Once the horror of the cult’s true nature sunk in, Mark had to contend with the existential crisis of being manipulated. NXIVM had severed him from his principles, including the strong sense of justice that he had cultivated, having witnessed atrocities in his native Johannesburg, South Africa. In addition to that betrayal, NXIVM’s leader had thoroughly twisted the concepts of gratitude, service, and empathy into chains that bound cult members to him. “They hooked you based on values you yearned for,” Mark admits.

“I was a mess,” Mark confides, adding that instead of dealing with the trauma, he went to war with the cult, channeling his rage into court appearances and contributing to The Vow, a multi-part documentary about NXIVM. But Mark didn’t receive closure from either endeavor.

Then, in 2019,  with input from his wife, Mark got the idea for a documentary about narcissists. “I wanted to tell stories from the victim’s perspective,” he says, “to talk to clinicians and neuroscientists about what’s going on with narcissists. I wanted to talk about the spectrum of narcissism. But, what I really wanted to do is, I wanted to speak to self-confessed narcissists.” 

Working on The Narcissist’s Playbook has challenged Mark to confront the same characteristics he had encountered in NXIVM’s leader. “The only way to relieve yourself is through reframing things to realize it wasn’t really your fault. There was a relief I felt,” he says. But Mark is keenly aware there’s more to his healing journey. “I don’t want to talk about narcissism forever. There’s something inside of me that says, at a certain point, we’ll be done,” he acknowledges. “I believe you can get closer to your true essence if you stop avoiding the uncomfortable things.”

Transforming Trauma thanks Mark for providing our community with a firsthand account of the emotional toll that cult survivors experience after leaving high-control organizations. We are also grateful to him for continuing to explore complex topics like narcissism through a comprehensive and compassionate lens.

MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE

The Narcissist’s Playbook

What The #$*! Do We (K)now!!?

My Dinner With Andre

The Vow

A Timeline of the Nexivm Sex Cult Case – NYT

Stranger Things

GUEST CONTACT & BIO

About Mark Vicente:

Mark Vicente is an author, speaker, and award-winning writer/director/producer from Johannesburg, South Africa. Growing up amid the atrocities in South Africa, he began questioning fundamental beliefs about human behavior, morality, cosmology, existentialism, and mysticism at an early age. Unifying his love for science, philosophy, and film, Mark’s vision took shape with “What the BLEEP Do We Know!?”. He later released “Encender el Corazón”, a powerful film about Mexico’s kidnapping crisis. While the film touched people deeply, it was by association supporting the criminal enterprise NXIVM. Mark withdrew the film and, alongside fellow whistleblowers, exposed the group, resulting in multiple arrests and prosecutions. His journey is chronicled in HBO’s 15-part documentary series “The Vow”. 

Mark has since focused on exposing the manipulative dynamics of high-control groups. He’s currently finishing “The Narcissist’s Playbook”, a feature documentary on narcissism, told through the unflinching accounts of four self-aware malignant narcissists, alongside insights from survivors, scientists, and mental health experts, filmed across seven countries.

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