Transforming Trauma: Episode 148

The best time to work on becoming an emotionally mature partner is before entering an intimate relationship. That guidance is especially important for people who have a history of relational and developmental trauma. The second best opportunity for growth arrives in the form of triggers – those adverse emotional responses that blur the distinction between past (our childhood experiences) and present (our adult partnerships). One psychotherapist invites us to think of triggers as trailheads, often uncomfortable but informative starting points in shifting deep-seated and problematic relational patterns.

On this episode of Transforming Trauma, host Emily Ruth welcomes Dr. David Richo, PhD, MFT, psychotherapist, teacher, workshop leader, and writer, to share wisdom from his 50+ years of helping people identify and resolve relationship challenges that often mirror or repeat issues from their childhood such as fears of abandonment or jealousy. Dr. Richo combines Jungian, poetic, and mythic perspectives in his work with the intention of integrating the psychological and the spiritual.

Dr. Richo shares a seemingly universal phenomenon that the past informs the present. Within psychology, this process may be referred to as transference or projection, and these can lead to problematic relational enactments where the past relational imprints impact one’s present relationship in harmful ways.  “I saw the connection between so many of our triggers and early childhood traumas, or even recent traumas, in relationships. We keep shuffling between past and present.” Dr. Richo explains that people subconsciously keep choosing to partner with a composite of the person who originally traumatized them. “It’s the psyche’s gross rather than subtle way of rubbing your nose in the need to work something out from a trauma that you haven’t fully dealt with.”

Dr. Richo posits that our relationship challenges often stem from the ongoing search to fulfill childhood needs, which he calls The Five A’s: attention, appreciation, acceptance, affection, and allowing. “If one or more or all were missing in early life, then you wouldn’t have learned how to give and receive them. Nor would you know how to be okay with receiving just a moderate dose of them. You would be craving, like a bottomless pit, to get more and more attention because that’s what you missed out on. And,” he cautions, “any person who sees that you’re someone feverishly and inappropriately craving constant attention and still wants you is not a healthy partner either.”

The good news, according to Dr. Richo, is that people with complex trauma (C-PTSD) can find and participate in healthy, secure adult relationships. “You have to do the psychological work that helps you look at what happened in the past and make sense of it. Not blame your parents, but certainly see that they are accountable.  But most of all, grieve what you missed. Let it go. Give it to yourself and ask only for a reasonable amount of it from a partner.”

Transforming Trauma is grateful to Dr. David Richo for sharing his decades of professional and spiritual wisdom with our community. His gentle guidance reminds us that intimate relationships built on loving kindness are possible when we acknowledge our trauma and actively engage in our healing journeys.

GUEST CONTACT AND BIO

Website

Dr. David Richo, PhD, MFT, is a psychotherapist, teacher, workshop leader, and writer who works in Santa Barbara and San Francisco California. He combines Jungian, poetic, and mythic perspectives in his work with the intention of integrating the psychological and the spiritual. His books and workshops include attention to Buddhist and Christian spiritual practices. Richo received his BA in psychology from Saint John’s Seminary in Brighton, Massachusetts, in 1962, his MA in counseling psychology from Fairfield University in 1969, and his PhD in clinical psychology from Sierra University in 1984. Since 1976, Richo has been a licensed marriage, family, and child counselor in California. In addition to practicing psychotherapy, Richo teaches in a number of places, including Santa Barbara City College, the University of California at Berkeley, Esalen Institute, Spirit Rock Buddhist Center, Pacifica Graduate Institute, and Santa Barbara Graduate Institute. He is currently a clinical supervisor for the Community Counseling Center in Santa Barbara, California.

MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE

The Body Keeps The Score

Triggers

When The Past Is Present

St. Augustine Confessions

How To Be An Adult In Relationships

Shambhala Publications