Transforming Trauma: Episode 154

Healthy relationships, whether romantic, platonic, or professional, thrive when each party is committed to transparent, compassionate interactions. Creating healthier interactions requires a greater awareness of the conditioned, unconscious responses embedded in our interpersonal communication styles. One psychotherapist believes that we can create an environment for better relationships by identifying personality patterns and actively addressing the biases that each pattern elicits. 

On this episode of Transforming Trauma, CTTC Director and NARM® Senior Trainer Brad Kammer welcomes psychologist, author, and trainer Steven Kessler, MFT, to discuss the role that personality patterns play in our communication styles and how those patterns impact our relationships. The pair delve into the origins of these patterns and the unconscious “safety” tactics associated with each. Brad and Steven also examine strategies for developing an ability to listen and respond to one another in a more holistic and conscious manner.

Steven earned his Master’s in transpersonal psychology and has been a licensed psychotherapist for almost 30 years. He has pursued various spiritual and meditation practices, studying many different healing modalities and maps of personality. Since 1984, he has taught hundreds of groups and workshops in the US and internationally helping people heal their wounds and grow into their full adult selves. Steven’s bestselling book, The Five Personality Patterns, deepens the insights of character structure and presents its map of the human personality to the general public. In his latest book, How To Have Better Relationships, Steven outlines techniques for deepening interpersonal relationships based on the five personality patterns.

“I think it’s crucial for any therapist or anybody doing healing work or, frankly, any manager in a company, boss, anyone who wants to communicate with their coworkers, with their spouse or lover, with their family members…it’s important to realize that not everybody is automatically doing the same personality pattern that you do. They could be doing something totally different.” begins Steven. “We don’t experience the same world that whoever we’re interacting with experiences. So, you gotta know what slices they’re experiencing. You’re going to have to communicate with them in their world, in their language, in a way they understand.” 

Communication, observes Steven, becomes less complicated once we understand the motivations and self-preservation tactics behind each of the five personality patterns. That work begins by identifying our enduring pattern. “For most of us, we identify with our main pattern, whichever is strongest in us,” he says. “We identify so deeply that if you ask a person, ‘Why do you behave like that?’ they will say, ‘That’s just who I am.’ It’s become an identity structure. It’s so strong that working with them in therapy when they come to the possibility that they don’t have to behave that way, there can be a bit of an identity crisis.”

Steven and Brad discuss the origin of developmental theory and specifically character structures that originated with Dr. Wilhelm Reich, and was evolved over many decades into a greater understanding of personality patterns that impact us all.  Brad reflects on the developmental theory presented by the NeuroAffective Relational Model®, which is called the Adaptive Survival Styles, and how this is used to support the healing of complex trauma. They then discuss the similarities and differences of the NARM adaptive survival style framework and the personality patterns framework.

Steven discusses a shared perspective that by identifying our patterns, we can better understand others’ patterns or safety strategies. “Whenever a person is caught in any pattern, that pattern is distorting their perceptions. If you know how your habitual patterns are distorting your perceptions, you can lean the other way.” The shift, he says, can significantly improve any type of relationship. This understanding is critical in both the NARM clinical approach as well as how Steven approaches therapy with his clients.

Transforming Trauma is grateful to Steven for his warm and compassionate insights and for providing our community with a roadmap for creating more authentic relationships.

MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE

The Five Personality Patterns: Your Guide to Understanding Yourself and Others and Developing Emotional Maturity

How To Have Better Relationships: The Skills You Need, The Actions To Take Based On The 5 

Personality Patterns

Myers-Briggs

The Enneagram

Amadeus

Dr. Wilhelm Reich

GUEST CONTACT & BIO

The Five Personality Patterns

Steven Kessler has been studying people and their emotions since high school, where he attended plays to better understand human behavior. After a stint studying physics at MIT, followed by an undergraduate degree in acting from Boston University, and four years at the New England Repertory Theatre, his deep interest in the human psyche led him to earn an MA in Transpersonal Psychology. For over 30 years, he has been a licensed psychotherapist.

Steven has been studying different healing modalities and maps of personality, including Character Structure, the Enneagram, NLP, energy work, Thought Field Therapy, and EFT (Emotional Freedom Techniques). He is a certified EFT Expert & Trainer. For over three decades, Steven has also pursued various spiritual and meditation practices, including 16 years in the Diamond Heart meditation school. For over 15 years, he has been a student of Lynda Caesara, studying Character Structure, the direct perception of energy, and shamanism in the lineage of Grandfather Two Bears and the Southern Seers tradition. Steven has taught hundreds of groups and workshops in the US and internationally, and recently has trained other therapists in the use of EFT. 

His bestselling book, The 5 Personality Patterns, deepens the insights into character structure and introduces its map of the human personality to the general public. In his latest book, How To Have Better Relationships, Steven outlines techniques for deepening interpersonal relationships based on the five personality patterns.